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Zombie Autopilot

[ website | Dead Girl ]
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Here we go again [02 Dec 2007|11:05am]
[ mood | crushed ]

I am staying at my parents house. Lastnight was terrible. I asked Jeremy to stop smoking weed again and he made it into this huge deal! We argued for a while and then he got so mad he threw a beer bottle against the wall. It was so scarey... I don't know what to do anymore. Now here I am carrying his child and he still will not grow up and be the man I KNOW he can be. He is such an awesome person and he is going to be a great father, but I just cannot have the drugs and alcohol in my life like it has been. Before I've given in to him and joined, but I'm tired of it. Now I have another life to worry about, not just my own and this has given me the strength to stand up for what I want.

I want a sober-ish life. I am totally cool with going out a few times a month or whatever, that's fine! But drinking everynight and smoking weed all day is not what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to travel and go to museums and ball games! How are we going to do that if our last buck is always spent on beer or a dime bag?

I can understand that he is upset that when I get sober, I think he should be too. When I'm sober is when I realize what a mess we are and how badly we need to change our lives around.

I love him so much, I hope that he wakes up and realizes what he's going to miss if he continues the way he is. He is such an awesome person beyond all the partying.

P.S. I will be getting a new lj soon, this one is old!

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Oh boy... [23 Nov 2007|06:57pm]
[ mood | scared ]

So I am pregnant, about 6 or 7 weeks I believe...Haven't found out when my exact due date is because it is a holiday week and no doctors were in the office by the time I knew.. So soon I will know when my baby is expected.

What I do know is that this already sucks. I have been drinking atleast once, twice, maybe 4 times a week since I've been 21. I am not ready to quit...I am not ready to quit smoking weed.... This has been my life since I was 16. And now here I am at 23 years old and I have to quit the only thing I've ever done with my life. It's a blessing having a reason to quit, but it's also going to be so hard for me to sit back and watch my boyfriend drinking and party in front of me for 9 fucking months.

I can tell I will be writing more in this online journal since this is the only healthy way for me to vent my frustration now. I hope I make it through this. I want a healthy baby and a new sober-ish life. Things are going to change a lot, and I hope that I can handle it and Jeremy doesn't push me away....

Here goes nothing...

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[20 Nov 2007|09:09pm]
[ mood | jubilant ]


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[24 Sep 2007|10:38pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Could you find a way to make me feel any less important/loved? Seriously...

Rip my heart out and put me out of my misery

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[03 Jul 2007|07:39am]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

I found my kittens!!! They're sooo cute! There's an orange one and 2 that are like a tortoise shell black and carmel type color. They're might be more, but they're in some briers so I couldn't get to them too well. Ohhh they're so adorable. I followed Dina back to them and as soon as she entered their site they all started meowing. It was sooo cute!!! :) I'm so happy for my cat. I hate to give them away :( I think we'll probably be keeping one...whichever Jeremy picks :)

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YEY!! [01 Jul 2007|10:50am]
[ mood | excited ]

Dina had her babies!!! I have not seen them yet, but I know that someone happened. I was trying to help her out yesterday when she first entered labor, but the neighbor came over and scared her into the brush in the back of the apartment. Then this morning she came out to eat and she looks MUCH skinnier! And instead of hanging out by our door, she's already back in the brush... so I'm hoping everything is ok and I have kittens running around soon!!! :D

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Trust [12 Jun 2007|11:40pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I don't know what it is with me...but I just cannot trust people. I'm not quite sure where it originated....Whether it is from my childhood when I learned why my parents had really split up...When I put all my faith into a higher being (God) to take care of me, but instead my whole world fell apart in front of my eyes. Possibly it was the asshole boyfriends who took advantage of me, cheated, manipulated, and destroyed my self image. Or maybe it was when I learned that all my friends will let me down at one point or another (with the exception of maybe 1). Or maybe when I learned my boyfriend was talking to people online while I was sleeping...And all the other secrets that I have learned throughout the years. It's not like I didn't have secrets though. We all do....

I don't know why I can't trust him completely. No matter what is going on, there's always that thought in the back of my mind telling me that he's cheating or something. He always proves me wrong....but I can't help it. I'd love to trust him completely, but it almost feels as if I am incapable....

And what's up with the fact that if he falls asleep before me, then I can't sleep. Not fair.

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[07 Jun 2007|07:53am]
I don't know if I'll ever be good enough...
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Moving? [30 May 2007|02:35pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

We may be moving!!!! I've contacted our landlords and they said it'd be ok, but I need to contact the lady with the realty that shows the places to make sure it isn't rented out yet!!! I'm so pumped! It has a garage! and I think maybe 2 bedrooms. Plus, a working oven and AC!

I really hope this works out!!!

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[27 May 2007|08:00pm]
[ mood | scared ]

The weather is scarey and I miss my boyfriend...

Maybe I'll stay home and clean...

I WISH I WAS AT THE BON FIRE!!! no fair! *pouts*

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[23 May 2007|10:49am]
[ mood | high ]

Yesterday was Star's 2nd Birthday :) ♥ ♥

I have had so much free time lately it's been crazy! I forgot what it was like to have time off, and man am I enjoying it! I decided not to go to school this summer. I just want to kick back and relax before the crazy nursing schedule starts in the Fall. So I've just been cleaning and hanging out with Jeremy :)

"In the summmertime, livings easy..."

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[22 Apr 2007|10:06am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

2 jobs and fulltime school sucks...

i miss my boyfriend :(

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[31 Mar 2007|11:25pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]


YES!!!!! :D

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[23 Mar 2007|07:54pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Still sleep deprived...but it's FRIDAY!!!! YES! No school for over a week :D I have to work tomorrow at Buehlers and at the Center, then Sunday at Buehlers and then i get 2 AMAZING days off! I"m so excited :)

We went to see Kittie lastnight. It was rather upsetting and dumb. I didn't really like them...ever. But I wanted to go check them out and have an excuse to hang out with my hero!!! ♥ I missed her. I hope we see eachother more often

Jeremy is making me rigatoni ♥ and Allie just called so i'm gonna go

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[25 Feb 2007|09:21am]
Krystal came over and hung out lastnight with her man. It was awesome :)

Today I have to work. Then see my parents. And then study until I can't study anymore
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and now we're going... [20 Feb 2007|04:22pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]


I'm tired of my life being broadcast on the internet.
If you wanna read what's going on, comment and add me

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[13 Feb 2007|07:45am]
[ mood | restless ]

ok.... i'm getting a little tired of this sickness. I was sleeping fine until 3 when I couldn't stop coughing. i got up and took care of that. then at 7 I couldn't stop coughing up nastiness.... So I had to get up and take care of that as well. Now I can't go back to sleep because everytime I lay the nastiness comes back. Yippie!

I do however love the snow that's going on outside...very nice

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[12 Feb 2007|09:58pm]
[ mood | sick ]

jeremy is adorable when he sleeps ♥

I'm sick right now. I haven't "felt" sick since yesterday, but I swear I have the worst sore throat/cough I've had in a looooong time. I think my throat is completely raw! So right now I"m sipping tea hoping it will help

Jeremy and I rented ps2 games and have been playing them ever since. The TV is on now for the first time in a while, and I think that's why he fell asleep.

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[08 Feb 2007|07:51am]
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[05 Feb 2007|06:50am]
[ mood | tired ]

All the schools in the area are cancelled, but would Kent cancel?? Of course not!!! grrrr

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